I recently started chugging a “green drink” every morning, made with a fine powder crushed from all kinds of good things, I guess. Spirulina, kale, spinach, etc., etc., etc. All that shit. They say you can mix it with juice, but the extra sugar, nah. So I mix it with water, but it must be cold.

The final product isn’t entirely unpalatable. But it’s not pretty. The word “sludge” comes to mind. Dark green, a little gritty. A napkin must be within reach because it sticks to your lips. I drink it from an opaque cup so no one asks, “What the hell are you drinking?,” disgust dripping from their face.

And now I wait. For the glow. How long will it take? For my skin to simply radiate, competing only with golden beams of sunshine? Before I become a rocket-powered force of energy, able to conquer each day and sleep for just under three hours? Finger tap, tap, tap.

It won’t happen. I’ll look the same. I’ll probably feel the same, too. What do people say about multivitamins? Expensive piss. It might be that.

But hey. That’s ok. I’m drinking a green drink every morning. I’m sleeping all night, every night. About a gallon of water a day. Alcohol is no longer a mainstay. And I finally realized that dairy is, in fact, not for me.