Just overheard in work hallway:

Person 1: Oh hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!
Person 2: Oh, I know. It’s been forever!
Person 1: Like, we email all the time, but like, I feel like I never see you.
Person 2: Oh, I know. We, like, never see each other.
Person 1: <forced chuckle>
Person 2: <forced chuckle>

My question: What did either person gain from that conversation? Were their lives changed in some way? Was this conversation necessary? Will they remember it, or think of it ever again? Did it lead to something substantive? Did those words absolutely need to exit their mouths?

I mean, I get it. In our society and culture, small talk is a way of demonstrating friendliness, and in some cases, professionalism. There are times you just have to do it. What “Oh hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!” actually means is: “It would appear rude to flat out ignore you in the hall. Here—I’ll say something, anything, the first thing that springs to mind so you’re aware that I’m a friendly, respectful person.”

I’m not arguing for a world without small talk. (Well, I am, but I realize I’ve long lost that battle.) I’m simply acknowledging how meaningless small talk really is, cultural cues aside. The world would be a beautifully quieter place without it, without the noise, the audible pollution it produces.

Last thing I’ll say is that no one gives a fuck about my weekend, and in several cases, I don’t give a fuck about theirs. On Fridays, people ask, “Any plans for weekend?” On Mondays, they ask, “How was your weekend?” Again—they’re being polite, friendly, kind. I understand and vaguely appreciate it. But come on. Let’s all be real.